A Restless Rant on Birthday Duty- Pt.2

Standing amidst this birthday party for a little girl whose name I’ll never memorize, no matter how many times my daughter tells me how awesome she is, I ponder my next move. The Guys crowd.

I purport I am good people. I’m a functional adult with a mortgage. Happy husband and a good Dad. I pay my bills and taxes on time. I get along with my neighbors. I am a pretty respectable citizen and yet I know I let down my entire family’s male bloodline in a few key areas.

Like the application of automobiles and sports as suitable conversation subject matter…

I never grasped it and frankly…I’ll never know why.

Walking over to the group of guys…

I have no idea of cars.

No visual imagery.

No sense of fan belts and filters and timers.

No idea of spark plugs, fuse boxes and engine blocks

Much less horsepower and nitrous systems


And sports… it’s just a big, big mess. No baseball or basketball stats. Super Bowl, Playoffs, World Series, who cares? No distinguishing Iverson and Romo. It just doesn’t grab my interest. Bunch of guys trying to win at something. I’m a winner already; don’t need a sport to prove it, right? It’s just a car crash, man.

It’s always put me in a weird & awkward space with my male friends. I’m generally quiet, and if I’m feeling frisky, I’ll make something up, but I always end up looking worse.

“It’s SObe, not Kobe… here try this one. Its Lizard Power.” As much as they love me, they never laugh at that joke.

My guys are cool though. After the pity looks and a few consolation grunts, they’ll shift to computers for a while before we settle on Maxim.

Back at the birthday party, it’s different. These men are a different breed. I was suddenly part of a 15-minute conversation that covered lawn fertilizer, local family events, health coverage, skin rashes and sunburn.

Altogether. I’m confused

Its crazy. So I figure, I can manage this. No sports yet… so far, so good. I can banter.

But there’s something wrong. I can see it. I know their game.

Wait… don’t be paranoid.

So, I figure this is my chance. I start, “Hey, that new trailer for…”

And at that very instant, someone that didn’t hear me, replays last night’s best basketball play. Just like that, the guys revert to grunting, barking and bouncing in place, whilst slapping their chests and backs.


Just when I thought I was safe…



Filed under Opinion, Ranting

3 responses to “A Restless Rant on Birthday Duty- Pt.2

  1. Natalia

    Hey, I know exactly what you’re talking about…whenever I’m having lunch with a bunch of girls and I start talking about movies that I watched (Sweeney Todd) and music that I listen to (Robert Plant), they look at me like I’m from another planet. Apparently, women my age have to watch American Idol, The Biggest Loser and Ugly Betty.

  2. utopia901

    So… uh…

    You don’t watch Ugly Betty?

  3. Jon D

    LOL! …..guilty pleasure!

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