Give us your Stash!!

To all Big Pharmaceuticals,

Could you guys just come out with all the diseases and drugs we are going to need and stop treating it like a trend? It’s like that same Nirvana CD box set you buy over and over just to get that one new song.

Prosopagnosia and Trimethylaminuria, both weird disorders we never heard of and featured in the news recently, are now all of a sudden a really big deal and we’re walking around unprotected!!

Prosopagnosia, the inability of a person to remember people by their faces, even one’s immediate family, was believed to be affecting 5 out of every 100 people. Recent studies conducted at Harvard, now purport that up to 2% of the American population has some form of it!! That comes out to around 60 million Americans!!

So, to all you silly creeps everywhere: It’s very likely that last girl you slept with, actually WANTED to date you. She simply didn’t recognize you the other day you showed up with flowers to surprise her. She really didn’t mean to Mace you and sick that angry 250lb Rottweiler on you.

For us here at the RandT, this also means that we probably didn’t need all those anti-depressants and counseling sessions over the years to treat that feeling that we wouldn’t ever be loved!! Big P, we could have tried a whole other plethora of drugs if we weren’t worried about why people we slept with walked away from us like we had the Black Plague. 

On the other hand, Trimethylaminuria is a disorder in which the body is unable to break down trimethylamine, a compound derived from the diet that has a strong odor of rotting fish. As trimethylamine builds up in the body, it causes affected people to give off a fish-like odor in their sweat, urine, and breath. The intensity of this odor may vary over time. In many cases, the strong body odor interferes with an affected person’s relationships, social life, and career. You’ll reconsider that tuna sandwich, once you find yourself standing next to one of these guys.

Unless, of course, you’re Aquaman and you’re suddenly really, really hot for sex.

At first we believed this was another ploy to sell more drugs as you continued to force feed us made-up crap like Restless Leg Syndrome, ADD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Asthma.

Which is OK, every now and then; we understand you are running a business. But we also know you have the inside track: C’mon, you knew it was Gonorrhea back when people called it “burning pipi” and flushed it out by gulping down copious amounts of rubbing alcohol and vinegar. You also knew it was Schizophrenia, back when it was just plain and simple Crazy.

With recent studies showing approximately 69 million Americans having tried Marijuana at least once, 2 million that are known to abuse their prescription drugs, and 1 out of 4 having experimented with Cocaine, it is evident Americans love them some drugs. So why not just put it all out there? Stop rationing your stash. Just give us our drugs already.

 

Editor’s Note

Here at the RandT, we strongly believe in the right to treat the odor that has been romantically leading on everyone inside your fish tank. We also believe in the need to ensure you recognize your boss when you come into work, whilst happily chugging down the other 17 pills you take every day!

 

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