Travis’ Diary


Crack Head

Dear Diary,

Much has happened since my last report. My hair is approximately 0.06 inches longer, which is encouraging, so I will continue the mayonnaise treatments. I have cut my fingernails only once, one time less than the usual. The declining growth rate of my fingernails has intrigued me. Since the last data gathering, I have diminished my vitamin B intake by 15
% and I am inclined to believe that this is the contributing factor to my loss in fingernail growth.

I will proceed to cut my vitamin B intake by another 10% a
nd hope that fingernail growth slows accordingly. I have maintained my sleep pattern, 30 minutes followed by 15 minutes of vigorous cardiovascular exercise, but I have found that the program is not as conducive to thorough rest as was first believed. I plan to implement a new plan on the 1st. I have structured a program to vitalize the body and simultaneously stimulate the mind. I will sleep for 1 hour with rumba music softly playing, then wake to watch C-Span for 10 minutes. It is my presumption that the juxtaposition of the rumba and senate hearings will keep the brain active whilst the body slumbers. Time will tell. Social status- I have been increasing the amount of eye contact during conversations. I can reach approximately 7.5 seconds before looking away. It is strenuous work, but i am convinced it will pay off in the pursuit of a mate. Semen production is up from 45,000 per unit to 62,000 per unit. I will continue the oyster consumption to further increase virility. That is all. I will log the next report in 30 days.

 

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